jump-the-gun anger ::: restraint

Have you ever been so mad that you feel it - this rush of chaotic energy right under the surface looking for a pore to violently rip through? That was me today. It was scary for a minute. I can't recall the last time I was that angry.

My husband came home to find neighborhood kids throwing rocks at my dog. She was tied and couldn't retreat their charge. Over text, I was going ballistic. "I'd beat those kids myself," I punched into my phone. I was outraged. Where are their parents? Why would they think it's okay to bully my sweet black lab? He found her cowering against the door, trying to escape the walnut-sized limestones being hurled at her. Poor, sweet Daisy.

It was just the last straw for my day, that's all. Or, I thought it was the last straw for my day ...

A relationship is sort of being mended, I guess you'd say. The guilty party won't say she's sorry and the victim won't point out the wrong of the guilty. I'm neither person. I see it as perfect timing for a whole laundry list of things that need to be said to finally be said. Alas, it's not my territory.

So my real last straw was that my husband will be child-less most of the day on Father's Day. It wasn't my doing and he says he's fine with it. Guess I shouldn't care then, but I do. He's the one who typically doesn't hold grudges; I'm the one who does. I'm still not over him being wronged and I'm still mad at the person who hurt him. I certainly don't want my kids with her yet; I haven't gotten over the mistreatment. Apologies have not been offered and I don't just "get over" things so quickly.

God has words for me on this matter, but tonight is not a night I want to read them.

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His "laundry list" of commandments for me is lengthy.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:31-32

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." -Matthew 6:14-15

"And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." -Mark 11:25

"And as you wish that others would do to you, so do to them." -Luke 6:31

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every tongue be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." - James 1:19-20

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And that, ladies and gentleman, is a spirit check. It's humbling.

I wish I knew how to let go of this particular anger and angst that has built up in me for so long, and how it is that I can easily forgive anyone but this one. Contrary to what I'm sure is the popular belief, this person claims a great deal of my thoughtlife as I battle what to do, what not to do, how to act, what to say, ponder over actions and reactions, and pray for guidance in forging a successful relationship. Sometimes I feel like this is the one true place that Satan has his toe-hold in my life. This is my button. My trigger. The one topic and person that will send me over the edge. He knows it. I know he knows it.

As TobyMac would say, "Hey Devil, go on! Get yo' junk outta here! I don't need you!"