thoughts on 'forced to be family'

So I cheated and skipped a few chapters in Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws. Some of the chapters just didn't apply to me; I was eager to get to the "heart of the matter," so to speak. And even if you are reading my blog - hi mother-in-law! - you'll be glad to know that I feel much better about our relationship after reading about some really, REALLY bad ones.

This book discusses "relational aggression" - female family bullying - from all angles: mother/daughter, sister/sister, mother-in-law/daughter-in-law, sisters-in-law, etc. The big issues are intimidation, belittling, the silent treatment, jealousy, rivalry, exclusion, and betrayal. Dr. Cheryl Dellasega has included first-hand stories alongside her observations, making it really juicy! Let's dive in to see how I'm affected.

Mothers-in-Law
Chapter 12 is entitled "Mothers and Sisters, By Law" and it mentions quite a bit that isn't relevant to my relationship with my MIL, thankfully. One of the first "mother-in-law missteps" with regard to the treatment of a daughter-in-law has actually happened between us, and recently, too. I literally laughed out loud when I read it!

"Tracy's mother-in-law bought Christmas gifts that only her son would obviously enjoy, but addressed them to the couple."

My husband and I received a joint Christmas gift this past year - a carpet cleaner. Some daughters-in-law would get a subliminal message out of such a gift ... "is my carpet too dirty for her?" ... but not me. I knew it was meant for James, and I'm fine with that. Couldn't even tell you how to turn the thing on! But I can tell you that he is in love with that machine and we DO have clean carpets ... now.

I have to say that my MIL and I did not start off on the wrong foot or have a bad beginning, like some of the stories recounted in this book. In my opinion, we got along as well as can be expected. After all, I was her son's first girlfriend ... and yes, his only one, as it turned out. That, I think, was a stressor for her, and I understand why. I can imagine that I will want my son to become familiar with more than one girl before he decides to marry her. I definitely appreciate it, sure, but being on the girlfriend side of the relationship, it really hurts when your boyfriend's mom suggests that he play the field. (This will be a great entry to look back on when my children are grown.)

A good point to keep in mind (and a reason to not push your husband to choose between you and his mother [which I never did, by the way]):

"Reflecting back, she recognizes the real reason for the conflict: both she and her mother-in-law were struggling to establish themselves as the main woman in her husband's life."

Struggles between us are not just between us (I don't think). Holiday planning, frequency of visits, and which set of parents we spend more time with are the hot-button issues, and they obviously include my husband. The fact of the matter is that we rather enjoy being just "us" - the two of us and our two children. We want to have our own experiences, and enjoy each other on the weekends since we both work full-time and don't have any quality time throughout the week. What can I say? My husband and I are selfish.

Sisters-in-Law
I thank God for the wonderful sisters-in-law that I am blessed to be "wed" to. It is disheartening to see all of the horrible SIL stories in this book! I've heard of straight-outta-Hades MILs before, but the mean SILs in this book are new to me. Fighting over who has the better kids (okay, maybe this isn't so foreign when I think of the rest of my family, but it's not an issue my SILs and I have), trying to be closer to the brother than the wife is, trying to out-do each other with birthday parties (of all things!), etc. Steph and Michelle, I love you both!

Some of My Favorite Tips for Keeping My Sanity (and some I should totally put to use):

• "Recognize that you can't change or control anyone but yourself."
• "Listen before leaping in to respond. Keep your expression and body language neutral ..."
• "Have a time limit when you're with a woman who upsets you."
• "Take a sabbatical from her. Accept that sometimes you may have to limit contact or even walk away from a relationship."
• "Plan to forgive, wipe the slate clean, and agree to start over. It may be undeserved, but treat other women as you would like to be treated, even if they can't or won't reciprocate. You will benefit, even if others don't."
• "Create a lot of moments to enjoy by recognizing your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law for who she is, separate from your husband or son."

Something's Missing
Something I had really hoped to see addressed in this book that wasn't, is the struggle between parents and grandparents. My beef with this is that it is frequently obvious that my MIL puts her grandchildren head and shoulders above her son (and certainly me). Her visits are primarily to see them, and often, we can sit in a room and not even have a conversation so long as she's interacting with them. He doesn't speak of it much, but I can tell that it bothers my husband. Grandparents, please remember that without your child and his/her spouse, there would be no grandchildren. We'd love to have your affection, too.

My Mother
Again, I am so blessed. Unlike the stories in the book, I've never once sensed that there was jealousy between my mother and I, or any kind of real animosity. We don't sabotage or backstab each other. She doesn't offer unsolicited advice, and when she's asked for advice, she replies tactfully. She adores my husband as much as my children; we all have a place in her heart. In fact, both she and my grandmother agree that if James and I were to ever be divorced, he would not be able to divorce my family! That's real in-law love, y'all!

So do I recommend this book? Yes, but unless you just can't manage to get along with any woman anywhere, you won't need to read the whole thing. Skip around to the relationships relevant to you and you will definitely find a few treasures.

a poem from the deck

It's springtime.
The I-don't-want-to-come-in-yet time.
When bursting buds throw pollen,
And a squealing child doesn't equal "fallen".

It's springtime.
The grills-are-fired-up-and-ready time.
I shudder at the sound of mowers,
And my stomach grumbles at a hot dog's aroma.

It's springtime.
The can-we-go-to-the-park-yet time.
Fall's leaves still litter the ground,
Yet daffodils emerge to dance all around.

It's springtime.
The I-can't-wait-for-summer time.
Garages are cleared and cars are washed,
Winter really is over; not all is lost.

It's springtime.
Thank-God-I-needed-the-sun time.
Spirits are lifted high once more,
No longer does the darkness persistently implore.

Finally, it's springtime.
Hallelujah, it's springtime.

-Casey L. Higgins, 3.20.2010
Photo Casey L. Higgins, 5.3.04

tough week

My little guy is almost three and he's had the toughest month of his short life. A cough that refused to subside has left him with pneumonia in both lungs - a substantial portion of both lungs. He's on his third antibiotic, has finally beaten strep (we think), tested negative for both flu and RSV, thank God, but we're not out of the woods yet.

The use of a Philips Portable Nebulizer System has gone a long way, and we noticed an improvement after just a few treatments. He's also on a steroid, which has me a little concerned, as the label says it will further weaken his immune system. That's not what we need right now, for sure. We're continuing to send up prayers, knowing that we're doing all we can do and the rest is in His hands. Besides worrying myself to death, what else is there to do?

"it's a 'no' for me, sorry"

I've told you before about the kitchen dancing/singing parties that occur in my house. We've been at it again. This time, my daughter was trying to do her homework while listening to her mp3 player. (Okay, so really, it was just me being the goofy one this time.) She sings along with her music but insists that she doesn't. So she's "singing" and I can't help but mock her ... in my best operatic voice (which isn't good at all, but very obnoxious). Suddenly, she lays her pencil down, takes her earbuds out, and turns to me to say, "I want to tell you something but it's going to hurt your feelings." I told her to go on, there's no way she'd hurt my feelings. She says, "Okay, since we're girlfriends ... if you were on American Idol, you wouldn't be going to Hollywood."

if you pray ...

On two separate occasions, I have been awoken by my coughing son in the middle of the night. It's nothing major, but persistent, and it keeps him from a restful sleep. On both occasions, I prayed for God to silence his cough and let him sleep peacefully the rest of the night. Do you know that those prayers were answered each time I asked them? Within in minutes, even. It's truly miraculous that God is with us all the time and listening to us. All the time.

So now you're asking why He doesn't answer every prayer uttered. Well, according to Matthew in chapter 21, verse 22, He does. The trouble you'd find in this? God answers prayers but not always in the way you envisioned He would. Matthew says, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." You think you know what's good for you, but the only one who truly knows is the Creator. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Lastly, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. That's the best advice I can leave you with today. Hold onto it and make it your own.

-Casey

new material

While out and about with the kids today, I came across a book that I am really hoping helps me better handle some difficult relationships. It's called Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws. I can't wait to get into it and I'll post a review here when I'm finished. So psyched! Stay tuned!

In the mean time, I have been charged with leading my small group in a couple of weeks ... no curriculum provided. What an adventure it will be to come up with something relevant and interesting to a mixed group like ours. We have a wide range of ages - young families to empty nesters. Having just completed our foundation study of Genesis and a character study on Joseph, I'm not entirely sure where to go next. Luckily, I only have this one night to plan for. For now. A new opportunity is knocking and I'll tell you more about it as the time comes.

If you have a quick, two hour group study suggestion, I'd love to hear it! Comment and let me know what's on your mind.

-Casey

my daily devotions

I've been reading a daily devotion for writers. It's been an amazing, enlightening journey so far, and it's giving me great encouragement as I move forward with this dream.

If you, too, have the gift of writing and a desire to share the love of Jesus Christ with others through your talent, check out For the Write Reason: 31 Writers, Agents and Editors Share Their Experiences with Christian Publishing. Each chapter includes Bible verses to strengthen the message and an action for self-exploration. I hope it blesses you the way it's blessed me.

cure for a heavy heart

My heart is heavy today. I don't care to elaborate, but suffice it to say that I'm heartsick from trying to make things right in a certain relationship when clearly they never will be.

Like all smart Christian girls, I turn to God's Word for solace and comfort. The Psalms are always the best starting point, and I found this today in chapter 34, verse 18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." John records the words of Jesus in chapter 14, verse 27 when he writes, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

As much as I might want to hold onto this relationship and continue to battle for acceptance, I'm letting it go. I'm giving it to God and asking Him to bless it for His good and let come what may.